I sit now, trembling
in perfect stillness with
an undesirable ache to
move but I fear motion.
A cold shiver rattles
my brain as my thoughts begin
to make sense of my bodies
petrified state for I am guilty.
I plead my case to no one by
doing nothing, and I shall now
pay for my crime as a bystander
through continuing to look.
Unable to help, even when, I began to see
your lips quiver redefining what it means, to move.
At first you wanted a friend,
I obliged, time is money however
and I paid the price being around you
as our friendship evolved, parasitic.
Next you wanted knowledge, to act:
how why when where what who in addition to
every other fact that I could divulge, and you judged none,
but echoed them one after another into others ears.
Finally you robbed the food from my garden
as I now chomp down on empty cold steel
grinding my teeth all the while as I saw you,
fill yourself on what I had sown.
I stand now, supported by weak limbs devoid of strength
to cut you off, but you have already found a new host.
I cleanse in a chemical spill
dirty I know,
still though assumed cleaner than me,
I force my hands a final time.
Bleaching myself, to wash away
countless time in a moment,
righting wrongs with whiting
blackness born inside of me.
Theoretically, darkness is innocent
until proven guilty, but theory is not
Life where society socially others
myself from them, victimizing as usual.
The accusers are just as white as the skeletons
of the accused hanging in their darkened closets.
Time, intangible yet somehow
I was able to pack it away,
wrap it up and put my heart
and soul inside a box with it.
But I am left unpacking
the time that I had once
wrapped intended with hope
to be gifted to you.
My tears flood my palms,
causing the time that once fell
between the cracks between my
fingers to harden and stay.
But it will only ever stay so long
until it falls through taking after you.
Inside of myself exists a soul more powerful
than the muscles that give me the strength
to smile each and every day as I continue
to live my life knowing.
Knowing that your absence is only physical
yet my spirit cannot connect to you just yet,
every day, hour, minute, second,
exists as a reverberation.
Echoing that time when I last
saw you, heard you, felt you.
Your words silently fell lifeless from your lips
as you sounded out an unintentional goodbye.
Effectively ending and beginning chapters in my life
both with and without you and so now I smile, for us.
As I recline slowly, letting my head
drift to the side before my body
cascades as a whole onto my new grassy bed
I pause, eyes readjusting to the damp light of dusk.
I invade the grass with each movement
sliding my heavy hand in front of my face
light plays off my palm casting shadows
on myself and the ground.
Culmination of darkness, shadow and dusk,
create a stage for illusion
allowing grass to dance in my sight
swaying from the gravity of mist and the whistle of wind.
Unappreciated, unseen, untouched, yet this shadowy patch
holds more beauty in this instance, than most things in a lifetime.
I recount our memories alone,
still flashbacks pass before my eyes
as I look into, us, seeing you
knowing this is the only way I ever will again.
I visit our old place
where smiles can no longer exist,
my head hung, staring at my hands
holding only air and the afterimage of yours.
I try to forget, block out the years,
but I don’t want to lose the sharp feelings of
love and betrayal that help me to feel human
unparalleled by my memories without you.
I was never prepared for the end,
even though I always knew our fate.